Haven't blogged in FOREVER...

I know I haven't blogged in forever.... I'm sorry to those that were looking for updates. I've been going through some crazy shit... I'll leave out the details of the last few months and just go with the details of the last few days. I FINALLY after three months of nothing have a new and hopefully exciting job. I got this one all on my own - no help from an agency or anything! I am really excited to be working with this firm - and the money was $5K more than I asked for!!!!!

DD and I came home from school the other day and she mentioned that she missed my MIL's cat Mickey - I told her we all missed Mickey and it was ok - she then goes on to tell me that Mickey is in Heaven... and that my daddy(meaning me not hers) is in Heaven too and did I miss him. That sent both of us crying for a few minutes. Once we both got it together I had to sit down and explain (in terms a 4 and a half year old could grasp) that sometimes people and animals get very very very sick and the doctors can't help them - I explained that it wasn't a sickness like her allergies or a cold or even throwing up - but very very very sick - and that they die and go to Heaven where they are much happier and healthy again. But the can never come back to us, and they want us to be happy here even though they aren't with us because they are happy in Heaven.

This was the hardest conversation I have ever had to have with her - she was so sweet and seemed to understand what I meant - she's such a perceptive and smart kid so I hope for the next few years thats a good enough explanation for her. It seemed to be for me, this week has been exceptionally hard - why I don't know but I have been more emotional than I have ever been in the last three years since my dad died. This has been the hardest for me - I guess it's the impending holidays and not having him here.

It's personal myself and I we have some straightening out to do...

UGH where do I start - I neglect my blog when Im stressed instead of pouring out my heart to it, which is what I should do.

I just found out (well last week anyway) that I will be leaving my assignment yet AGAIN... and it just doesn't seem fair that I can't no matter how hard I try and work seem to get into a full time PERMANENT position with this firm. And then trying to find a "real job" is just plain ridiculous! I have sent out resumes ontop of resumes and NOTHING not even one FUCK YOU!

Im trying to stay strong through this and think that things happen for a reason, but I just can't seem to figure out what that reason is right now.

Add that to a really long depressing weekend and well this month is ending for shit!
This year my dad being gone hit me pretty hard... I'm having to field questions from DD (4) like "where's your daddy?" and it just tore me up... this is the first year since he died that I really cried about it. Who knows maybe I'm the one finally coming to terms with it.

Oh yeah and lets not forget that she started pre-k this last week as well - yet another "my little girl is growing up" milestone... what's next???

I think I just need some prozac... if I can't get that well then I'll take my Pat O'brians hurricanes and a fun night out to get my mind off things.

There are other things going on that I won't air on my blog that are just adding to my thoughts...

Im really loving Fergie's "Big Girls Don't Cry..." it's fitting this month...

Im not sure why I have this blog... I hardly can think of anything to write - and when I do rarely do I write about it.

I know why I started it. Someone said something about me on her blog and I was MAD... MAD MAD - not just the not talk to you for a few days mad I mean I want nothing to do with you EVER again mad.

I've always had a hard time making real friends - I tell it like it is. If I don't like who you're dating I'll tell you so. That doesn't mean I won't be nice and civil and social if we're all out together. But I'll tell you how I really feel. I'm a smart ass as well. I have tons of aquaintences that I hang out with on a social level. But honestly I only have about 3 or 4 good friends.

I used to get upset that I wasn't part of the "in crowd" the ones that got all the attention etc. I was passing aquaintences with a few that were in that circle but overall I kept to myself. Again it used to bother me. Now - not so much. Im learning that those 3 or 4 really good friends that have stuck by me through it all are the ones that matter. They are the ones that I can count on!

I'm also beginning to feel very comfortable with myself. Not so much my physical appearance (im working at that) but my confidence level is growning some. I feel like I have a better grasp at who I am and who I want to "grow up" to be.

I just hope that I can raise my daughter to see that each of us was made differently and it doesn't matter if someone is short, tall, fat, skinny or even if they have some sort of physical or mental disability we all have feelings and needs. And maybe all that person needs is a good friend.

You are my best friend and my worst enemy. I wish I knew how to handle you a little better - then I may not come off as a whack job somedays. But luckily you know my better than anyone else - you have known me forever and still come back looking for more.

Yes you're in the friend zone... but not by totaly choice but more for necessity. I honestly don't think that I belong on that pedestal that you place me on - but I'll tell you it's great to be there!

Sure my husband loves me and tells me I'm beautiful etc but it's great to hear you look good from someone else!

I just want to say thanks for being there for me all these years!

So let me get this straight - my husband has two sisters and a brother... he's the oldest of four. SIL A lives about a mile from my MIL we live about 10. SIL B lives about 2 hours away and BIL C Lives in an entirely different state!

SIL A along with BIL A and 2 kids are thinking about moving to the state where BIL C lives... ok whatever - they never really stay in one place too long so thats fine. Though I'll be sad to see the boys go! DD LOVES her cousins and would hate to have them too far away.

SIL B has now decided with her dopey husband and equally dopey kid to move near BIL C as well... well I say BIL C but it's really closer to her husbands brother... but it's all the same state!
That leaves us here with the IL's... which I don't mind - we were here first BUT my poor kids will be the ones that are growing up not knowing their cousins... the same worry that SIL C has vocalized to the family.

It's not a big deal and I'm not that attached to SIL B's Kid honestly (thats a WHOLE 'nother entry) and BIL/SIL C are expecting their first and while we have never gotten along great I am ESTATIC for them, I can't wait to have that little niece to spoil some! And the boys - well they are the best and I will miss their quirkiness if/when they move.

Here's the thing that bothers me about ALL of this- I found out all about this on a message board! A MESSAGE BOARD!!! One that my mil posts to... friends she's only met a few times.... but yet she can pour the family news out to them and not her own family... SHEESH!

Just One Word...

1. Where is your cell phone? desk
2. Relationship? Wonderful!
3. Your hair? messy
4. Work? BUSY!
5. Your sister? none
6. Your favorite thing? camera
7. Your dream last night? nuthin'
8. Your favorite drink? Tea
9. Your dream car? Shrug
10. The room you’re in? office
11. Your shoes? flats
12. Your fears? coasters
13. What do you want to be in 10 years? alive
14. Who did you hang out with this weekend? family
15. What are you not good at? drawing
16. Muffin? banana
17. One of your wish list items? sewing machine
18. Where you grew up? FL
19. Last thing you did? answered phone
20. What are you wearing? clothes
21. What aren’t you wearing?bracelet
22. Your pet? cats
23. Your computer? dell
24. Your life? CRAZY
25. Your mood? tired
26. Missing? kids
27. What are you thinking about right now? home
28. Your car? Caravan
29. Your kitchen? white
30. Your summer? HOT
31. Your favorite color? blue
32. Last time you laughed? today
33. Last time you cried? Yesterday
34. School? tiresome
35. Love? family!

Why is it...

That I can hold down a full time job, be pregnant/have a newborn, have a social life, go to school full time and get good grades. Yet I have a "friend" that complains I don't make time for her but can't seem to get her act straight - complains that she wants to do well in school but that "summer school is so stressful" (it's TWO classes) and she has so much to do that we can't get together. YET she plans to go out with some other friends on a gambling boat and takes 3 - 4 hour naps on the weekends while she's supposed to be working on school! WTF? I just don't get the lack of motivation from some people. I know if I (the biggest procrastinator on earth) can do it so can others. It just irritates me to see someone who is a preschool teacher - someone who is trying to make kids grown up to be happy healthy adults blah blah blah - be so lazy and unmotivated. UGH!!!!

Vent over - back to your regularly scheduled blogging.